Pregnant

She said

you can’t rape the willing

and here I am, words out in my mouth

never once uninvited

but certainly unsolicited and uncalled for

they came into my mind indelibly

and I thought myself impregnable

but one song, one poem, one page

one book after another camping pouring

undistilled but the proof was high

that supply needs no demand

that I was too existential for repression

so I dreamed and I stole and I love it

ongoing and outpouring

a real woman of letters

in the flesh and on the page

pregnant with the will-to-power

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The War Machine

It isn’t the warrior or the demon

It isn’t the death or the disembodiment

It isn’t peace or resolution or equilibrium

That’s The War Machine, the death spiral

The differential of the mortal coil

The integral of Chaos and The Dark

It flashes in the tension between us

It’s the threat of collapse, complexity

Unraveling everything, decaying hope

Destroying all production, signification

The death of the recording surface

A godless end of history, no universal

The War Machine is our delusion

The harbinger of doom

 

 

Defiant

Defiant

That’s the word I was looking for
The final integration runs hardest
Today’s regression, tomorrow’s technical debt
It all comes out when the pump fails
Pulling up the self medication
Tearing the flooded carpet
Burning down the ecosystem
The machinic unconscious unravels
Sewage spills into this floor drain
Too defiant for delusions
Those are my voices, my visions
Uncalled for but supplied
No one asked for your demand anyway
Charts and graphs and schisms
Quanta and luster and disgust
Imagined and accepted
Never externalized
Never institutionalized
I am the magician-king
I am the judge-priest
I am the war machine

For What It’s Worth

For what it’s worth,
I was right
The changes came upon
It swept the legs of identity
It knocked me down, hard and fast
And in retrospect
I get how much it had to hurt
For you to lose what I’d
Become for you
Because I brought into
My family and faith
Baptized and promised
Loved you and took you
To the desert
And a school of thought
All of which I left behind
And I was completely alone
No matter how you held me
The faith, the friends, the home
All of which I left behind
No matter the love we made
No matter how we cried
No matter what you did
I was still completely alone
So for what it’s worth
I have carried it all with me
And I remember you in the river
Baptized into my church
And I remember you lost in song
Taken with the spirit I denounced
And I remember you in my bed
Giving everything to us
And for what it’s worth
So was I
But I was right
Everything changed after that day
And the man you might of held onto
Has been gone for years
But I remember
My best friend
Who helped me find the truth
And I haven’t called for fear of hurting you
But I hope you are well

Autumn Sand

A cool November afternoon
This blue sky Sunday
Crunchy leaves beneath calm steps
And rustling above quietly
On an unhurried walk
To peaceful uncrowded beaches
The day is good
And happiness is simple
Sunshine warms my face
A gentle breeze over
Clear water waves
Blue on blue horizon
Azure and cerulean
Everything I need
Effortlessly simple
Full and content
Strong and at rest
I am happy here

Tethys

I walk softly in the darkness
Not wanting to wake them
My wife and son sleep sweetly
Dimly lit bedroom cozy and calm
I hope and work and learn for them
I pray even their dreams are
Warm, happy, and safe
I gaze through the slightly-open door
Knowing I am complete in this moment
He nourishes her soul as she nourishes him
These quiet moments in the stillness
Cannot be bought or sold
Cannot be traded for or earned
This meaning
This purpose
This fulfillment
This is all I need
I have never seen anything so beautiful
I have never loved so deeply
My family is my eternal joy
Bewildering and wonderful
They put me at peace

9-23-09

Brighid

She is my beloved
My bride is beautiful and strong
Elegant and fierce
She brought magic and hope
Into cynicism and doubt
This art took hold on site
And revolutionized my world
My desires and dreams are more vibrant in her energy
She is my wife
In every exploit and adventure we are a team
My partner is powerful and intriguing
She inspires the best part of me
Her soul nourishes my heart
She has shown me what real love is
She is my goddess
The mother of my children
Has given me everything
Nourishing these lives we created
Giving herself to make them strong
Her beautiful eyes secreted within theirs
Looking up at me so perfectly
And so I search for an immortality
That we may always be together
Where would I be without her?
The greatest love of my life
She is everything to me
And becomes more daily
Gives more daily
All my certainty
All my passion
Dedicated to her
She is my beloved, my wife
She is my goddess, my life
And without her I am nothing

9-14-09

Meme

An idea can infect me
From inception to consequence
These memes inescapable
Invading all logic
Subject to object to predicate
Sunken deep into my marrows
Cancerous and spreading
A single word
A negating challenge
I try to cut out the tumorous word
But the word becomes flesh
And the word was with god
And the word was god
But I am the god butcher
I burn that insurgence from the inside
But there is no remission
This uncontrollable disease
It moves me
It changes me
It breaks apart my work
The grip of Thanatos on my neck
I destroy my creations
I lacerate my tapestries
My curse
My thorn
My demon
My Ragnarok
It whispers in a still small voice
Dripping a single awful thought
Repeatedly
Until I don’t need to agree
The collateral damage
From fighting the idea
Has destroyed that truth
I had hoped to preserve

Dysmorphia

There is a chaos in me
A tempest in darkness
A sound and a fury
Most distort memories of their past
But I actively tamper with the present
The war drums are beating
Again and again and deafening
I think in this cadence
I think in this style
I think with this diction
The war drums sound
And I write the notes
My disjointed thoughts
My abnormal psyche
My unraveling life
Decanted and decadent
I cannot stop these words
No, I cannot restrain them
In reality or perception
I am losing my mind
Skewing intentions
Flooded with rage
Isolating dysfunctionality
Projecting the distrust I deserve
Trying to keep it all in check
Without veracity
Without intimacy
When all the passion is gone
When all the pleasure is gone
Coffee at midnight
Bourbon at dawn
Unable or unwilling
To forego stimulation
This cranium can’t reward itself
And a hundred highs later
I still need more
Indeed my friend
As if I want to fail
As if I will never learn

Odin’s Raven

She is my laughter in the morning
My bright eyed princess
My truth and my joy
My constant constellation
Twinkling at me happily
I will move mountains for her
Or make all of time standstill
I will butcher gods for her
Or put all of hell to sleep
She is my inspiration
My crystal chandelier rainbows
My sunbeam through the curtain
My dancing grand piano
My warm gentle ocean waves
My sunrise over cornfields
My star-filled Texas sky
She babbles like song birds
She lightens my soul
I will do anything for her